


Capslocked Soliloquy

by Anarchyopteryx



Category: Homestuck
Genre: "Fuckass" free Karkat, Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Depression, Gen, Grief, In Character, Insomnia, Karkat being melodramatic, M/M, Moirallegiance, No Smut, Pale Romance, Sadstuck, Self-Loathing, Strong Language, The Meteor, a little humor, character diary, doomed Karkat, first person POV, unhealthy moirallegiance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-13
Updated: 2013-11-19
Packaged: 2017-12-18 09:15:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 36
Words: 7,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/878163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anarchyopteryx/pseuds/Anarchyopteryx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kanaya gave Karkat a diary. She thought he needed something other than memos to record his thoughts in during the three year journey through the Furthest Ring.</p><p>(Okay, I might actually finish this, but I'm in art school now and I'm super busy, sorry!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This diary will probably have over a hundred brief entries, so chapters will be short. I might combine them all according to six month intervals when the fic is finished. 
> 
> If you have any tips, please give them to me. I'm trying to make the most in-character Karkat as I can and I think my portrayal could be better. If you didn't like it, please tell me why so I can fix it. Don't run away like a coward. :I I'll probably listen to you.

JOURNEY THROUGH ENDLESS DARKNESS AND DESPAIR- DAY 2-

KANAYA FOUND A BLANK BOOK IN THE LIBRARY, AND PROPOSED THAT I USE IT AS A DIARY. LALONDE THEN TOLD ME THAT I MIGHT FIND IT THERAPEUTIC BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN THROUGH SOME ROUGH SHIT RECENTLY. 

I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY FOR NOW, EXCEPT FUCK THIS DIARY, FUCK MY LIFE, AND FUCK ME FOR ACTUALLY GOING ALONG WITH THIS.

-KARKAT VANTAS


	2. Chapter 2

JOURNEY THROUGH ENDLESS DARKNESS AND DESPAIR- DAY 5

AS I WHITTLE AWAY THE HOURS ON THIS COLD, FOREBODING ROCK, I ADMIT A LOT OF THINGS HAVE BEGUN TO GNAW AT ME. MAYBE I WILL WRITE THEM DOWN, BUT NOT TODAY.

I FEEL TERRIBLE, EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY. I CAN'T SLEEP. I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO SLEEP FOR A LONG TIME. I'M A CORNUCOPIA OF DYSFUNCTION AND IT'S LITERALLY MAKING ME SICK. 

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO TALK ABOUT WHY I FEEL THIS WAY, EVEN TO MYSELF. ESPECIALLY MYSELF, IN FACT. 

AT LEAST I'M LEFT IN SOLITUDE. GAMZEE IS AROUND, SOMETIMES. I GUESS THAT'S GOOD, BUT HE DOESN'T DO MUCH. HE JUST SITS THERE OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR, LIKE HE'S WAITING FOR SOMETHING. 

ON DAY THREE, WE REVIVED THIS CARAPACIAN WHO SHOWED UP RIGHT THE FUCK OUT OF NOWHERE WITH A HOLE IN HIS TORSO. WE FLEW THROUGH A DREAM BUBBLE FOR THE FIRST TIME. TO MY DISAPPOINTMENT WE ONLY MET COPIES OF THE DEPARTED. A FEFERI WAS THE ONE WHO BROUGHT HIM BACK WITH SOME SORT OF LIFEY THING. 

ALTERNATE SELVES WEIRD ME OUT AND I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW OR EVER.

KNOW WHAT? I THINK I MIGHT LIKE WRITING IN THIS. I CAN'T EVEN RESPOND TO MY PAST SELF, I CAN ONLY THINK ABOUT THE MORONIC BLITHERING HE WROTE. FUTURE ME IS COMPLETELY UNREACHABLE. IT'S A MORE CONSTRUCTIVE WAY TO VENT WITH NO INTERRUPTIONS.

-KARKAT VANTAS


	3. Chapter 3

JOURNEY THROUGH ENDLESS DARKNESS AND DESPAIR-DAY 6

FUCK IT ALL. I CAN'T WRITE IN MY CURRENT STATE

FOR THE RECORD, I FINALLY PASSED OUT, GOT SOME SHUTEYE, AND I AM OFFICIALLY ILL.

-KARKAT VANTAS


	4. Chapter 4

JOURNEY THROUGH ENDLESS DARKNESS AND DESPAIR- DAY 10-

I SUPPOSE I RAN MYSELF RAGGED. I SPENT A DAY FEELING SO SHITTY I THOUGHT I WAS DYING, AND ANOTHER THREE DAYS SLEEPING IT OFF. YES, I FINALLY SLEPT BY MY FREE WILL. DREAM BUBBLES ARE OKAY, I JUST WISH I COULD FIND MY DEAD FRIENDS. I MET A DEAD ALTERNATE SOLLUX, BUT HE JUST WASN'T THE SAME GUY I KNEW.

I FIND DOOMED SELVES UNNERVING, BUT I'M GETTING OFF TRACK HERE. POINT IS, I'M BETTER NOW. LALONDE THINKS IT WAS ALL STRESS INDUCED. FINE. WHO GIVES A FUCK TO WHATEVER CAUSED MY AGONY. CHANCES ARE, IT WAS JUST MY OWN TORTURED PSYCHE, ATTEMPTING SUICIDE FROM THE INSIDE OUT. NOT THAT I ACTUALLY *WANT* TO DIE. I HAVE SHIT TO DO BEFORE I MEET MY DEMISE.

MY GOD, HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE I LEFT MY NEW RESPITE BLOCK? I'VE BEEN SEQUESTERED HERE SINCE WE TRULY BEGAN THIS VOYAGE.

I'M A MESS RIGHT NOW AND I KNOW IT. I OVERHEAR WHAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT ME WHENEVER I LEAVE TO RETRIEVE SOMETHING OR USE THE LOAD GAPER. THEY'RE PASSING IN THE HALL OR SITTING IN THE COMMON BLOCK WHISPERING TO EACH OTHER. ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS AT LEAST THEY KNOW I'M GRIEVING AND THEY LEAVE ME ALONE.

-KARKAT VANTAS


	5. Chapter 5

JOURNEY THROUGH ENDLESS DARKNESS AND DESPAIR- DAY 12-

I LEFT MY BLOCK AND VISITED THE METEOR'S LIBRARY TODAY AND SUDDENLY EVERYONE SURROUNDS ME WITH THEIR HALF-ASSED CONDOLENCES. I'M FINE. I'M ALIVE, AREN'T I? I'M NOT ABOUT TO SLIT MY WRISTS AND LET THIS DISGUSTING SWILL DEFILE THE FLOOR.

I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ANYBODY, IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND??

\- KARKAT VANTAS


	6. Chapter 6

JOURNEY THROUGH ENDLESS DARKNESS AND DESPAIR- DAY 13-

LALONDE CORNERED ME AND THE WORST PART WAS THAT EVERYONE WAS ON HER SIDE. SHE AND KANAYA SAT ME DOWN TO TALK ABOUT MY FEELINGS. 

DAVE STOOD AROUND, JUST WATCHING. I SWEAR TO GOD I SAW A FUCKING SMIRK. APPARENTLY THEY PULLED THE SAME PSYCHOANALYTIC FUCKERY WITH HIM, BUT HE CLAMMED UP SO TIGHT THE MAW OF LIFE COULD NOT PRY HIS TALKBLASTER OPEN. 

HOW THE HELL DOES HE DO IT ANYWAY? WITH ENOUGH EMOTIONAL BLUDGEONING, I MAY CRACK LIKE A CLUCKBEAST'S OFFSPRING CAPSULE. 

EXAMPLES OF THIS BULLSHIT:

Have you experienced flashbacks?

Why Were You Locked In Your Block For So Long

Nightmares?

Karkat Do You Feel Guilty You Dont Have To Feel Guilty Its Not Entirely Your Fault

Perhaps his culpability is rooted in self-esteem issues or connected to past trauma. Tell me about your childhood. 

Have You Been Crying Wait Why Am I Inquiring About This I Know You Have

I KNOW THEY WANT TO HELP, BUT MY GOD THIS IS SO INTRUSIVE. I STOOD UP AND LEFT, NOW I'M HERE RECORDING IT.

\- KARKAT VANTAS


	7. Chapter 7

JOURNEY THROUGH ENDLESS DARKNESS AND DESPAIR- DAY 15-

AVOIDANCE OF OTHERS WAS MY PRIME OBJECTIVE THE PAST TWO DAYS, BUT I GAVE UP AND FINALLY HUNG OUT WITH GAMZEE. WE WATCHED A MOVIE TOGETHER AND I READ A BOOK TO HIM. WE HAD AN ATTEMPT AT CONVERSATION. HE'S A DAMN GOOD LISTENER, BUT I WISH HE WOULD FUCKING SAY SOMETHING. JUST A "i motherfucking hear you brother" OR OTHER WORTHLESS BULLSHIT WOULD BE WONDERFUL. HE JUST SITS THERE WITH THAT IDIOTIC LOOK ON HIS FACE, DRINKING THAT CIRCUS WATER. HE DOES TALK SOMETIMES BUT NOT NEARLY ENOUGH.

I CAN'T HELP BUT FEEL A LITTLE TENSE AROUND HIM. HE KILLED PEOPLE AND THREATENED MANY MORE. I KNOW HE'S STILL SORT OF A GOOFY ASS CLOWN, BUT HE'S DANGEROUS AND I HAVE TO KEEP HIM IN CHECK. KANAYA MIGHT WANT TO KILL HIM, SO I'LL KEEP HIM OUT OF HER SIGHT. 

I THINK OUR MOIRALEGIANCE WILL BE A STRONG ONE, DESPITE THE SHITTY COMMUNICATION. IT BETTER BE, FOR EVERYONE'S SAKE.

\- KARKAT VANTAS


	8. Chapter 8

JOURNEY THROUGH ENDLESS... OH FUCK THIS SHIT- DAY 17-

I LOGGED INTO TROLLIAN TODAY AND I FORGOT WHAT I WANTED TO DO WITH THE CHAT CLIENT WHEN I SAW THAT I STILL HAVE EVERYONE IN MY CONTACTS LIST, EVEN MY DEAD FRIENDS. 

IT'S WEIRD, THERE'S THAT LAST VIRTUAL GHOST OF THEM HANGING AROUND, HAUNTING MY ELECTRONICS. THERE'S A CHOKING LUMP IN MY SQUAWK BLISTER AND I'M TAKING THAT AS A SIGN THAT I DON'T WANT TO DELETE THEM. 

I HAVE RESOLVED TO WRITE ONCE A WEEK BECAUSE I HAVE CONCLUDED FROM CAREFUL OBSERVATION DURING THE RARE MOMENTS I LEAVE MY BLOCK TO DO THINGS THAT KEEP ME ALIVE, THAT NOTHING HAPPENS HERE. EVER. I'M BORED OUT OF MY MIND.

\- KARKAT VANTAS


	9. Chapter 9

-DAY 24- 

KANAYA AND ROSE BUSIED THEMSELVES WITH A PROJECT INVOLVING A BOOK AND WRITING DOWN WHATEVER PAINFUL AND EMBARRASSING EXPERIENCES WE ALL HAD, OR SOME OTHER SHIT. I HAVEN'T SEEN GAMZEE SINCE MY LAST ENTRY. HE'S IMPORTANT TO ME, I'M IMPORTANT TO HIM. WE NEED TO KICK THIS CONCILIATION INTO HIGH GEAR ALREADY. BOTH OF US NEED IT.

I WOULD LIKE TO REMARK ON A HUMAN EXPRESSION, "WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, MAKE LEMONADE." FUCK LEMONS. I WILL THROW THE OFFENDING CITRUS BACK AND HOPE IT STINGS INFURIATINGLY IN LIFE'S GROTESQUE GLANCE NUGGETS. HOWEVER, I AM UP TO MY NOOK IN LEMONS AND I HAVE SO MANY LEMONS I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THEM. I KNOW WHAT'S IN LEMONADE ASIDE FROM ITS BRIGHT YELLOW NAMESAKE, IT CONTAINS WATER AND SUGAR. LIFE DIDN'T GIVE ME ANY WATER AND CERTAINLY NO SUGAR. MY LEMONADE IS GOING TO BE NOTHING BUT BITTER, GAG-INDUCING FRUIT PISS.

-KARKAT VANTAS


	10. Chapter 10

DAY 31-

GAMZEE REMAINS AS INSCRUTABLE AS EVER. I WAS ACTUALLY EXCITED TO BEGIN A PALE RELATIONSHIP, AND I STILL AM, IT'S JUST NOT EXACTLY WHAT I EXPECTED. PERHAPS I IDEALIZED IT TOO MUCH. EACH MOIRALLEGIANCE IS DIFFERENT I SUPPOSE, EACH PERSON HAS DIFFERENT NEEDS AND DIFFERENT TEMPERAMENTS THAT MUST BE DEALT WITH. I HAVE BEEN KEEPING HIM CALM AND PLACATED IN THE TIME WE ARE TOGETHER.

BUT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE GETTING SOMETHING OUT OF IT? SHIT, I THOUGHT I WOULD BE GETTING SOME SERIOUS PALE ACTION AND TALKING ABOUT FEELINGS. BUT I GUESS THAT'S MY FAULT. I NEED TO OPEN UP, YET I GIVE INTO PROCRASTINATION AND CLAIM I'M NOT READY... WELL, I'M ACTUALLY NOT READY.

IT'S BEEN A HUMAN MONTH, I THINK WE'RE ALL HOLDING UP. THERE WILL BE NO VIOLENCE OR DEATH ON MY WATCH.

I'M IN A WEIRD MOOD. I THINK I'M HAVING A GOOD DAY, AS GOOD OF A DAY I CAN GET ON THIS FUCKING HUNK OF RUBBLE. 

-KARKAT VANTAS


	11. Chapter 11

-DAY 38-

DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING FRUSTRATING IT IS WHEN TECHNOLOGY DOES NOT COOPERATE WITH YOU? AT LEAST SAPIENT BEINGS CAN LISTEN INSTEAD OF BEING AN OBSTINATE WAD OF GRAPHENE, L.E.DS AND BIOLOGICAL MATERIAL. "OH YES, KEEP PUSHING THAT KEY KARKAT. IT SHALL REMAIN NON-OPERATIONAL BECAUSE YOU FUCKED UP THE SETTINGS. I AM DOING THIS TO IRK YOU BECAUSE YOU DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH INFURIATION IN YOUR LIFE."

NOTHING IS REALLY TROUBLING ME AT THIS MOMENT. SORRY TO DISAPPOINT. I'M SURE I WAS UPSET A FEW DAYS AGO BUT THOSE FEELINGS HAVE EXPIRED. HAVE SOME INANE COMPLAINTS. THINGS HAVE GRINDED TO A HALT AND I GOT NOTHING BUT TIME AND FOOTAGE OF A STRANGE EARTH COMEDIAN TO ENTERTAIN ME. RATHER THAN HOLDING MORE UNCOMFORTABLE AND AWKWARD INTERACTIONS, THIS IS HOW I WILL EDUCATE MYSELF ON HUMANS. THEY'RE REALLY NOT SO BAD, NOT AS BAD AS I THOUGHT. 

-KARKAT VANTAS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just headcanoning about what Alternian computers are like, but maybe they would be even more advanced? Not sure if they would still be using LEDs.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This entry was inspired by some fan art I saw. I forgot the source, but I'll find it eventually.

-DAY 40 - 

I JUST SAW GAMZEE AGAIN, BRIEFLY. HE HUGGED ME, LIFTED ME UP, THEN THAT TENT SQUATTING PIECE OF SHIT *THREW ME*. TOSSED ME INTO THE AIR LIKE A SMALL CHILD. I LANDED ON MY ASS AND HE WHISPERED, "are you okay bro?"

DESPITE THIS INVASION OF PERSONAL SPACE AND GLUTEAL BRUISING, I'M NOT MAD. GAMZEE IS GAMZEE AND HE WON'T STOP DOING THINGS LIKE THIS. ALL HE NEEDS IS SOMEONE TO KEEP HIM IN LINE AND HE'S OKAY. I AM CERTAIN HE IS NOT AS MALICIOUS AS KANAYA THINKS HE IS.

\- KARKAT VANTAS


	13. Chapter 13

-DAY 47-

REMEMBER WHEN I SAID I WAS FINE BUT NOT GREAT? WELL, THAT'S OVER NOW IN THE WORST POSSIBLE WAY.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY, THAT'S THE MOST TERRIBLE PART. I HAVE BEEN DOING THINGS TO KEEP ME BUSY, BUT I'M BORED AND I HAVE NOTHING BUT MY THOUGHTS FOR COMPANY. SPEAKING OF WHICH, I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE GAMZEE GOES FOR DAYS AND NIGHTS ON END. I MISS HIM. 

ANY JOY I PREVIOUSLY HAD HAS BEEN SAPPED AWAY FROM ME. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO MOVE ANYMORE. I'M TIRED, BUT I CAN'T SLEEP SO I ROAM THIS METEOR, OCCASIONALLY ENCOUNTERING A DIURNAL COHABITANT DESPITE THE FACT THERE IS NO DAY OR NIGHT IN THE FURTHEST RING AND EVERYONE'S SLEEPING SCHEDULES SHOULD BE FUCKED UP BY NOW. 

WHEN I DO SLEEP, I ALMOST NEVER GO TO THE DREAM BUBBLES, EVEN IF I WANT TO. MAYBE THAT'S A GOOD THING? SOMETIMES THEY GET REALLY WEIRD AND I HATE IT. I JUST WANT TO WAKE UP, BUT I CAN'T. YET, IT'S BETTER THAN WHEN I HAVE NORMAL DREAMS. THOSE ARE HORRIFYING AND I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE THINKING ABOUT THEM AT ALL. MAYBE I'LL WRITE ABOUT ONE LATER ANYWAY. 

I NOTICED MY ENTRIES ARE VERY SHORT. IT'S LIKE I SPENT ALL OF MY RANTING ENERGY DURING MY SESSION, FOLLOWED BY HELPING FOUR INCOMPETENT MEAT SACS... WHO AREN'T AS INCOMPETENT AS I AM. REALLY, THEY'RE OKAY (EXCEPT DAVE IS A SMARMY DOUCHE) AND I LOOK FORWARD TO MEETING JOHN AND JADE. 

\- KARKAT VANTAS


	14. Chapter 14

-DAY 54-

I SPOKE TO TEREZI FOR THE FIRST TIME IN WEEKS. I NOTICED SHE DOESN'T SEEM SO DOWN, DESPITE THE FACT SHE KILLED HER EX-BEST FRIEND. I KNOW SHE KILLED PEOPLE BEFORE AND SHE'S BEEN AROUND DEATH, SO I GUESS THAT ISN'T SURPRISING. WELL, IT'S EITHER SHE ISN'T TOO UPSET OR SHE'S BETTER AT HIDING HER FEELINGS THAN I AM. I ASKED HER ABOUT IT AND SHE KIND OF SHRUGGED IT OFF. DIDN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHING. I UNDERSTAND. HOW IS SHE NOT BROKEN? ACTUALLY SHE ALWAYS HAS BEEN STRONG I ADMIRE HER FOR THAT.

HUMANS GRIEVE. THE LALONDE-STRIDERS ARE PRIVATE ABOUT EMOTIONS, BUT THEY MUST BE HURTING AS MUCH AS I AM. LOSING YOUR CUSTODIAN IS PAINFUL, I KNOW. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I'VE BEEN HIT SO HARD. ALL OF MY FRIENDS ARE STILL SOCIABLE AND EMOTIONALLY COMPETENT. IN TROLL CULTURE, WE DON'T MOURN OUR DEAD. DYING IS A PART OF LIFE. HELL, ARADIA *REVELS* IN IT. ON ALTERNIA, WE JUST THREW AWAY LIVES LIKE THEY'RE NOTHING.

MAYBE I REALLY AM TOO SENSITIVE. NO ONE WOULD UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL, ESPECIALLY ANOTHER TROLL. NO ONE LISTENS TO ME. I LIVED ALMOST MY WHOLE LIFE IN MY HIVE, CUTTING PEOPLE OFF WITH HOSTILITY. NOW I HAVE ACTUAL FRIENDS THAT I CAN SPEAK TO AND TOUCH, YET I HAVE NEVER FELT SO LONELY.

\- KARKAT VANTAS


	15. Chapter 15

-DAY 62-

GODDAMN IT. CAN TIME MOVE ANY SLOWER? IS STRIDER INTERFERING WITH ITS FLOW? TWO FUCKING EARTH MONTHS HAVE PASSED. MAYBE I WON'T BE SO BORED IF I TRIED TO GET INVOLVED WITH THE MUNDANE GROUP ACTIVITIES THAT TAKE PLACE FROM TIME TO TIME. SUCH AS MOVIE NIGHT OR WHATEVER THE HELL THE MAYOR IS DOING WITH ALL OF THOSE NUTRITION CYLINDERS. YET HERE I LAY LIKE THE INEFFECTUAL WHINY BITCH I AM. 

ANYWAY, I WENT OUTSIDE TODAY, ON THE ROOF OF THE LAB. SHOULDN'T I BE SWEPT OFF THE SURFACE OF THIS THING? AREN'T WE MOVING AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT? WE ARE PROPELLED BY PSYCHIC ENERGY, AND I IMAGINE AIR RESISTANCE HASN'T SLOWED US DOWN. MAYBE IT CAUSED SOME KIND OF SHIELD TO MANIFEST? NO, THAT SOUNDS LIKE BULLSHIT.

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OUT THERE, IT'S A TRUE VOID. IT IS UNNERVINGLY SILENT AND STILL IN THE FURTHEST RING. NOT AN ABOMINABLE TENTACLE IN SIGHT. I EXPECTED THE ENDLESS BLACK EXPANSE TO BE DENSELY POPULATED BY THEM YET ITS AS IF THE HORRORTERRORS ALL HID OR DIED. I'M KIND OF GLAD I WILL NEVER HAVE TO FACE THEM AGAIN BECAUSE THEY'RE TERRIFYING, BUT THEY SHOULD BE HERE AND THEY'RE NOT. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT IS CAPABLE OF FRIGHTENING THEM AWAY OR GOD FORBID, *MURDERING* THEM. 

-KARKAT VANTAS


	16. Chapter 16

-DAY 69-

I JUST NOTICED THE NUMBER SIXTY-NINE RESEMBLES MY SIGN. SHARP AS A PUNCTURE STICKER, I AM. HOW SLOW AM I? SIX SWEEPS AND I NEVER NOTICED THAT. WOW.

I ONLY CAME TO THIS REALIZATION TWO DAYS AGO, WHEN DAVE TRIED TO MAKE A FILTHY JOKE ABOUT WHAT WAS ON MY SHIRT. I DID NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT HE WAS INSINUATING, AND I DON'T WANT TO. I AM AVOIDING HIM IN PARTICULAR NOW. 

HEY YOU. THE NOSEY FUCKER READING THIS. YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT KIND OF SHIT IS IN THE THERMAL HULLS IN THESE LABS. CARAPACIANS OF BOTH FACTIONS USED TO OCCUPY THIS PLACE, BUT IT HAS BEEN UNUSED FOR WHO KNOWS HOW LONG. THEY LEFT EDIBLE FOOD HERE. WE HAVEN'T HAD TO ALCHEMIZE SUSTENANCE YET, BUT THE STUFF WE EAT RIGHT NOW IS KIND OF WEIRD.

A JAR OF MINT FLAVORED APPLE JELLY ROLLED OUT OF WHO KNOWS WHERE. IT WAS WAS THE MOST FOUL GOOP I HAVE EVER TASTED. WHY THE HELL WOULD ANYONE MAKE THIS?? WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?

APPARENTLY IT WAS GOOD FOR FEEDING RAG-SHROUDED DEMOCRATIC LEADERS. THE MAYOR ATE THE WHOLE THING. 

\- KARKAT VANTAS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Puncture sticker = tack.
> 
> I just tried mint apple jelly. All I can say is... why?


	17. Chapter 17

-DAY 76-

UUUUGGGHHHH I HAVEN'T SLEPT FOR ONE HUNDRED HOURS. MY RECUPERACOON WENT DRY DURING MY SESSION. IT'S HARD TO SLEEP WITHOUT ITS SOOTHING SLUSH OF SEDATIVES AND TRANQUILIZERS. I WAS NEVER PARTICULARLY SENSITIVE TO THE DRUGS IN THE FIRST PLACE, BUT THEY DID HELP. WITHOUT SOPOR, IT'S ACTUALLY A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE. NOT SOFT ENOUGH. 

MY HEAD HURTS. IN FACT, EVERYTHING HURTS. FOR THE RECORD, I HURT ALL THE FUCKING TIME. ASSUME I AM IN PAIN AS I WRITE MY ENTRIES FROM NOW ON.

DID YOU KNOW HUMANS BEGIN TO HALLUCINATE AFTER SEVENTY TWO HOURS OF SLEEP DEPRIVATION AND THEY EVENTUALLY DIE AFTER FIVE DAYS? I HAVE OUTLIVED ALL OF THOSE FUCKERS BY MONTHS. TROLLS DON'T HAVE THIS PROBLEM. WE ARE CAPABLE OF LONG PERIODS OF TIME WITHOUT REST. I'M PROUD TO DISPLAY SUCH RESILIENCE. STILL, WE DIE FROM LACK OF SLEEP EVENTUALLY AND IT'S NOT LIKE I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE SHIT THE WHOLE TIME. ESPECIALLY TOWARD THE END. PARANOIA GOT TO ME, BUT FOR GOOD REASON.

I REGRET NEVER SLEEPING DURING MY SESSION, AS IT DELAYED THE OPPORTUNITY TO FROLIC ON A GAUDY YELLOW MOON WITH MY FRIENDS. I WAS TOO BUSY TO REST. I FINISHED MY QUEST AND DEFEATED MY DENIZEN AND NO ONE ELSE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DO THE SAME IF IT WASN'T FOR ME. OKAY, WELL, MAYBE VRISKA AND TEREZI WOULD HAVE SUCCEEDED. SOLLUX WOULD'VE DONE JACK SHIT IF I HADN'T BEEN ON HIS ASS ABOUT EVERYTHING. THE SESSION WOULD HAVE GONE STRAIGHT TO HELL IF I NEVER INTERVENED WITH ANYTHING AND TOLD EVERYONE WHAT TO DO. VRISKA THOUGHT WE WERE SUPPOSED TO WORK AGAINST EACH OTHER AND THERE IS NO WAY IN THIS DESOLATE VOID THAT IS TRUE. I KEPT US TOGETHER UNTIL THE END AND I BELIEVE THAT WAS FOR THE BEST.

I'M GOING TO TRY TO SLEEP ON A HUMAN BED, OR AT LEAST TRY TO MAKE MY RECUPERACOON COMFORTABLE. MAYBE I'LL CLEAN ALL THE DRIED SCUM OUT OF IT. THAT SHIT IS FUCKING NASTY AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I LET MY SLEEPING SPACE TUMBLE SO FAR DOWN THE SLOPE OF DISUSE AND ENTROPY. MAYBE I'LL DO SOME DECORATING AND TRY TO MAKE MY NEW BLOCK FEEL A LITTLE MORE FAMILIAR. I STILL HAVE POSTERS, BOOKS, AND MOVIES FROM HOME IN MY SYLADEX.

\- KARKAT VANTAS


	18. Chapter 18

-DAY 83-

LUCKILY I MANAGED TO DOWNLOAD MOST OF MY MOVIE COLLECTION AND I HAVE SOME HARD COPIES. I'M RE-WATCHING THEM, THEY REMIND ME OF HOME. IT'S KIND OF SAD THAT I WILL NEVER SEE A NEW ROMCOM. MY PLANET IS GONE, SO ARE THE ACTORS. THE BEAUTIFUL ELABORATE LIES WILL NEVER FILTER THROUGH MY BRAIN AGAIN. I FIND MOST HUMAN FILMS TO BE DULL AND ONE-DIMENSIONAL, BUT I ENJOYED SERENDIPITY, SO MAYBE I CAN FIND SOMETHING SATISFYING ON THE HUMAN INTERNET. I THINK THERE ARE SERVERS OUT HERE AND THEY SOMEHOW STORE THE CONTENTS OF EACH CIVILIZATION'S NETWORK. HOW THE FUCK IS THAT POSSIBLE? WHO OR WHAT PUT THEM THERE? WHATEVER. THERE ARE GREATER MYSTERIES. I WOULD NOT HAVE BELIEVED MYSELF IF HE TOLD PAST ME WHAT I WOULD SEE IN THE FUTURE.

DID YOU KNOW IT IS WIDELY UNACCEPTABLE FOR MALES IN HUMAN CULTURE TO ENJOY ROMANTIC COMEDIES? WHY WOULD ONE BE RIDICULED FOR ENJOYING SUCH REMARKABLE CINEMA? DAVE WALTZED INTO MY ROOM ONE TIME, I YELLED AT HIM AND THEN HE ASKED ME WHAT I WAS WATCHING. I ANSWERED, HE TEASED ME AND ASKED ME HOW MY "MENSTRUAL CYCLE" WAS GOING. WHAT THE HELL IS A MENSTRUAL CYCLE?

I FORCED HIM OUT THE DOOR. THAT BULGE FONDLING BASTARD WAS LAUGHING THE WHOLE TIME. FUCK, I JUST REMEMBERED HE WAS THE ONLY ASSHOLE HERE WHO DIDN'T KNOW WHERE I LIVED AND HE'S THE LAST PERSON I WANT SNOOPING THROUGH MY SHIT. 

\- KARKAT VANTAS


	19. Chapter 19

-DAY 90-

IT HAS BEEN ANOTHER QUIET WEEK FULL OF NOTHING BUT MOVIES AND AWKWARD MEALTIME CONVERSATIONS. I SLEPT. 

-KARKAT VANTAS


	20. Chapter 20

-DAY 97-

MY COMPUTER IS IRREDEEMABLY FUCKED UP SO I HAD TO ALCHEMIZE A NEW ONE AND REPLICATE MY MUSIC AND FILM LIBRARY. I HAVE DECIDED TO GIVE UP PROGRAMMING. I'M JUST NOT GOOD AT IT, I NEVER WILL BE. I STARTED WORKING WITH COMPUTERS BEFORE I MET SOLLUX, BUT MY INTEREST GREW EVEN MORE WHEN I DID. IT WAS A HORRENDOUSLY ROBOTIC INITIAL ATTEMPT AT FRIENDSHIP, THE CLICHE OF FORAGING A RELATIONSHIP OVER A COMMON INTEREST. INSTEAD, WE BONDED OVER FLINGING INSULTS, MY ONE-SIDED ADMIRATION, AND PLAYING VIDEO GAMES.

I'M NOT GOOD AT ANYTHING. I CAN'T DRAW, I CAN'T WRITE, I CAN'T MAKE ANYTHING LIKE ANYONE ELSE CAN. EVERYONE HAS SOMETHING UNIQUE AND USEFUL ABOUT THEM, BUT WHAT DO I GET? A MUTATION THAT HAS GIVEN ME NOTHING BUT HARDSHIP. WHAT AM I GOOD FOR? I'M GOOD AT KEEPING GAMZEE PLACATED THAT'S IT. IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S A SKILL OR ANYTHING, IT'S PART OF A PALE PARTNERSHIP. IT'S A KIND OF LOVE.

SPEAKING OF WHICH, IN ALL OF THE TIME I HAVE FOR REFLECTION I GUESS LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP IS A VERY IMPORTANT THING. I WAS SO FULL OF SHIT MONTHS AGO, CONFLATING IT WITH PITY. OH, AND I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE ROMANCE EXPERT! LOOK WHERE ALL THOSE IDIOTS I TRIED TO HELP ENDED UP. THEY DIED. ANYWAY, I THINK IT'S SOMETHING THAT CAN KEEP PEOPLE TOGETHER EVEN WHEN A LEADER CAN'T DO THAT WHEN IT COUNTS BECAUSE HE WAS DISTRACTED BY HIS OWN POINTLESS IMPOTENT RAGE.

I SEE HOW TIGHTLY KNIT HUMANS ARE AND... WELL IT'S BEAUTIFUL. STRANGE BUT IT WORKS. THEY LIVE IN GENETICALLY SIMILAR GROUPS COMPOSED OF PARENTS, OFFSPRING, AND SOMETIMES GRANDPARENTS. OFTEN, THEY SHARE A HIVE. FOR THE MOST PART THEY LIVE IN PEACE WITH EACH OTHER BECAUSE THEY'RE CAPABLE OF STRONG SOCIAL BONDS THAT WON'T BREAK DOWN INTO SPONTANEOUS VIOLENCE. I GET BRIEF GLIMPSES OF THIS FAMILIAL LOVE BETWEEN DAVE AND ROSE AND IT'S FASCINATING. 

\- KARKAT VANTAS


	21. Chapter 21

-DAY 104-

WOW, LOOK AT THAT. TRIPLE DIGITS. WHAT HUMAN DATE IS IT NOW? IT IS JULY 29, 2009, I THINK. HUMANS LIKE TO CELEBRATE "BIRTHDAYS" SO I SUPPOSE I SHOULD KEEP TRACK OF THE DATE SO I KNOW WHEN TO EVADE SURPRISE FESTIVITIES.

SO IT'S BEEN OVER ONE HUNDRED DAYS. THAT IS A LONG TIME, A MILESTONE EVEN. NINE HUNDRED AND NINETY ONE MORE TO GO. I SHOULD MARK THIS WITH SOMETHING...

SOMEONE MIGHT FIND THIS DIARY AND TAKE THE TIME TO READ IT. THEY SHOULD KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. FUCK, THIS MIGHT BE THE THING I'M REMEMBERED BY. ONE DAY THESE WORDS WILL BE NOTHING BUT DISTANT SCRAWLINGS OF A SUFFERING BEING, A REMNANT OF THE ONE AND ONLY ALPHA TIMELINE KARKAT VANTAS.

THEY- NO YOU. YOU SHOULD KNOW WHY I AM SCREAMING INTO THESE PAGES. HERE GOES NOTHING.

I AM A TROLL FROM A PLANET CALLED ALTERNIA. IT HAD A BULLSHIT SOCIAL HIERARCHY I HAD TO WORK AROUND MY WHOLE LIFE BECAUSE I DON'T FIT INTO IT. IF I DID I WOULD HAVE BEEN ENSLAVED, FORCED TO DO MENIAL LABOR, BE UNEDUCATED BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING TO LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO SURVIVE HIGHER SCHOOLING, FORCED INTO OTHER JOBS I DO NOT WANT. HIGHER UP, I WOULD HAVE BEEN EXPECTED TO MURDER COUNTLESS PEOPLE OR RULE THEM ALL WITH VICIOUS BRUTALITY, CRUSHING EVERY SYMPATHETIC FEELING INTO A TINY BLACK SINGULARITY.

MY HOME WORLD WOULD HAVE KILLED ME IF ANY OF MY PLANS FOR THE FUTURE FELL APART. THOSE WERE FUCKING TENUOUS ANYWAY. AT LEAST I HAVE A CHANCE AT LIVING NOW. 

WE WERE SEPARATED AND ORGANIZED BY BLOOD COLOR. I'M A MUTANT. MY BLOOD COLOR IS COMPLETELY OFF THE SPECTRUM. IT'S BRIGHT RED. MY WHOLE LIFE WAS SPENT HIDING AND AVOIDING PEOPLE, BUT A FEW MANAGED TO CLING TO ME. NAMELY SOLLUX, TEREZI, GAMZEE, KANAYA, AND NEPETA. I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY LIKED ME. I WAS SO VITRIOLIC, BUT I GUESS THEY WERE AMUSED BY MY BLUSTER OR SAW RIGHT THROUGH IT. I KNOW KANAYA THOUGHT I WAS INTERESTING AND WANTED TO HELP ME LEARN HOW TO CALM DOWN. WE SWAPPED LITERATURE SUGGESTIONS AND RESPECTED EACH OTHER'S SANITY. NEPETA SAW SOME KIND OF CHARM IN ME THAT I HAVEN'T FOUND. YOU ALREADY KNOW ABOUT SOLLUX. TEREZI JUST LIKED TO FLIRT WITH ME, ONCE AGAIN FINDING SOMETHING WORTHWHILE IN ALL OF THE WRETCHED IMMATURE NOISE. OH, AND ERIDAN AND I SHARED AND UNQUANTIFIABLE AMOUNT OF GOSSIP AND I DISPENSED MORE ROMANTIC ADVICE TO HIM THAN ANYONE IN PARADOX SPACE. THE ASKHOLE NEVER USED IT AND MAYBE IF HE DID FEFERI WOULD STILL BE ALIVE.

I'M GOING OFF-TOPIC, SORRY.

ONE DAY WE PLAYED A GAME WITH A FEW OTHERS. IT STARTED OUT INNOCENTLY ENOUGH, I ASSUMED IT WAS JUST ANOTHER REALITY-MANIPULATING GAME, SOMEWHAT LIKE FLARP, BUT THE GAME CONSTRUCTS WERE COMPLEX BEYOND WHAT WE WERE USED TO. WE WERE WARPED TO ANOTHER PLACE OUTSIDE OF THE TIMELINE OF OUR UNIVERSE, THE INCIPISPHERE WITHIN THE FURTHEST RING. IT WAS BASICALLY A GAME, BUT IT WAS REAL. TURNS OUT IT WAS A TRAGEDY DRESSED UP IN GAUDY FALSE CHEER AND WONDER. 

I ACCIDENTALLY KILLED MY LUSUS WITH A ~ATH I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO RUN. IT CURSED ME AND EVERYONE I WOULD EVER KNOW (I BELIEVE IT IS STILL IN EFFECT, THE HUMAN SESSION WAS HORRIFIC). EVERYONE ELSE'S CUSTODIANS DIED, ONLY TO BE REVIVED BY THE KERNELSPRITES. THAT WAS THE FIRST HEAVY WAVE OF GUILT THAT HIT ME, IT STILL HAUNTS ME TO THIS DAY. DESPITE THEIR REVIVALS, THEY DIED IN THE FINAL BATTLE AGAINST THE BLACK KING.

I LIKED TALKING TO MY LUSUS. HE WAS KIND OF GOOFY, STUPID, GRUMPY, AND HE CARED ABOUT ME A LOT. HE ACTED LIKE HE KNEW SHIT I DIDN'T, AND NOT JUST ABOUT THE GAME. ABOUT ME AND MY "DESTINY". I STILL HAVEN'T THE FOGGIEST IDEA OF WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT. HA, LIKE THERE IS SOME SEED OF GREATNESS IN ME. THE DELUSION TRACK TRAMPLER HAS LONG LEFT THE STATION. 

THE SESSION KEPT ROLLING, I KEPT YELLING AT EVERYBODY AND MAKING SURE THEY WEREN'T TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER. FREAKY ARADIA BOTS KEPT SHOWING UP FROM THE FUTURE AND TELLING ME WHAT NOT TO DO. IT'S TOO HUMILIATING TO WRITE HOW MANY TIMES THAT HAPPENED. I COULD NOT PREVENT THE DEATH OF VRISKA AT THE HAND OF AN ARADIABOT. MAYBE TAVROS WOULDN'T HAVE DIED IF SHE DIDN'T GOD TIER... THEN AGAIN, WE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DEFEAT THE BLACK KING WITHOUT VRISKA'S POWERS.

AFTERWARD, WE PLACED BILIOUS SLICK ON THE BATTLEFIELD AND A NEW UNIVERSE UNFOLDED BEFORE OUR EYES. I... I HAVE NO WORDS FOR THAT, I CAN'T EVEN DESCRIBE IT. BUT THERE IT WAS, GLORIOUS AND RESPLENDENT, A FROG IN A POND HANGING IN THE VOID. THAT WAS MY FUTURE. I THOUGHT I SUCCEEDED.

VICTORY WAS RIPPED FROM OUR FEEBLE GRASP BY WHO WE THOUGHT WAS A DEMON, JACK NOIR. YOU KNOW WHAT? DETAILS OF WHAT HAPPENED CAN BE FOUND IN ROSE AND KANAYA'S BOOK. MAYBE YOU'LL GET YOUR MITS ON THAT TOO YOU LUCKY NOOKSNIFFING BASTARD.

THERE WAS SOMETHING VERY WRONG ABOUT THIS UNIVERSE. IT WAS MISSING A CRUCIAL PIECE I DID NOT HAVE THE TIME OR PATIENCE TO LOOK FOR. IT WAS MY FAULT EVERYTHING FELL APART. 

GUILT HAS BEEN RIPPING ME APART SINCE I PUT THE PIECES TOGETHER. I GAVE IT CANCER, I KILLED IT AND I CAUSED MY OWN FAILURE. I CAN BARELY STAND TO LIVE WITH MYSELF. 

ON TOP OF THE MISEREY HEAP, I HAVE SEEN FAR TOO MANY PEOPLE DIE. THEY RELIED ON ME AS THEIR LEADER AND I LET THEM DOWN. I.... I CAN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW. UGH, MY STOMACH HURTS AND I'M TIRED.

-KARKAT VANTAS


	22. Chapter 22

-DAY 111-

I'M TIRED. I FEEL BAD. YOU KNOW, SAME OLD SHIT. THIS SINKING, DRAGGING FEELING WON'T GO AWAY. I NEED MY MOIRAIL, BUT HE ISN'T HERE AND I CAN'T FIND HIM. BELIEVE ME, I'M LOOKING. 

TO HUG AND TOUCH IS UPLIFTING, BUT THEN I THINK ABOUT WHAT HE DID. A HUMAN WOULD THINK TWICE ABOUT CUDDLING WITH A MURDERER, BUT AS A TROLL, WHO HASN'T DONE THAT? WE'RE ALL KILLERS ANYWAY. YET THERE ARE SOME THOUGHTS I JUST CAN'T SHAKE. HE COULD KILL ME EASILY IF HE TOOK DOWN NEPETA, WHO WAS AN EXCEPTIONAL HUNTRESS WHO KILLED WILD BEASTS WITH SIX LITTLE ARTIFICIAL CLAWS.

\- KARKAT VANTAS


	23. Chapter 23

-DAY 119-

I'M GETTING A LITTLE STIR-CRAZY. I SHOULD LEAVE MY BLOCK MORE OFTEN. YEAH, I THINK I CAN STAND TO DO THAT. AN EFFORT TO DO SO NEEDS TO BE MADE ANYWAY. I'M CURIOUS ABOUT HOW EVERYONE ELSE HAS SETTLED IN. I PUT MYSELF TOGETHER FOR THE MOST PART, EVEN IF I STILL FEEL CRAPPY. SUDDENLY, I'M ON AN UPSWING AGAIN. 

IS IT JUST ME OR ARE DAVE AND TEREZI COURTING EACH OTHER? SHIT, I HOPE NOT. I HAVE ENTIRELY VALID REASONS FOR WISHING THEIR BUDDING ROMANCE AWAY.

\- KARKAT VANTAS


	24. Chapter 24

-DAY 126-

DAMN TRANSPORTALIZERS. I ACCIDENTALLY ENDED UP IN THE COMMON ROOM. WHY OH WHY DID WE DECORATE THE SCENE OF TRAGEDY SO ORNATELY? IT'S NOT LIKE IT REEKS OF DEATH AND FEAR LESS. YET, I GOTTA HAND IT TO KANAYA. IT LOOKS NICE.

SO TEREZI AND DAVE HAVE INDEED SPLIT INTO ANOTHER PAIR AND BEGAN TO WORK ON POINTLESS AND INANE, THOUGH ENTERTAINING ACTIVITIES.THEY MIGHT BE JUST FRIENDS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON BETWEEN THEM, BUT I WILL AFTER MORE OBSERVATION.

DAVE KEEPS PICKING ON ME ANY CHANCE HE GETS AND THOSE CHANCES ARE MORE FREQUENT. I'M OKAY WITH THIS, TWO CAN PLAY AT THIS GAME. I HAVE A NUMBER OF WITTY RETORTS PREPARED AND I CAN THINK ON MY FEET. THE MOST HUMILIATING THING HE DID SO FAR WAS FOLLOW ME AROUND AND FUCKING DOCUMENT WHAT I WAS DOING LIKE A WILD ANIMAL. TEREZI TOLD HIM TO STOP BUT SHE WAS LAUGHING HER ASS OFF, SO I DOUBT THE REQUEST WAS SINCERE. MAYBE HE'LL STOP PESTERING ME IF I PRETEND HE DOESN'T EXIST? I NEVER TRIED THAT. INSTEAD I JUST TOLD EVERYONE TO FUCK OFF. I HAVEN'T BEEN IN THE MOOD FOR CONFRONTATION, SO I GUESS IT'S A PLAN. 

OPERATION "IGNORE DAVE" WILL NOW COMMENCE.

\- KARKAT VANTAS


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not support spying on your potential romantic partners for any reason. Karkat is just being... canon. In this situation that means neurotic, paranoid, possessive, and kind of a dick. Well, at least he is keeping himself busy. 
> 
> Also, Karkat, that is not ignoring Dave. I am dissapointed in you. :U

-DAY 133-

I HAVE DECIDED THAT I MUST CAREFULLY OBSERVE DAVE AND TEREZI, FROM AFAR IN PLAIN SIGHT. I CAN'T GET TOO CLOSE OR THEY'LL NOTICE ME OR ASK WHAT THE FUCK I AM LOOKING AT. I WILL RECORD MY FINDINGS HERE. NOW I HAVE SOMETHING TO DO OTHER THAN WATCH DANE COOK ALL DAY.

I HAVE LEARNED THAT WE ARE CAPABLE OF COEXISTING IN THE SAME BLOCK TOGETHER. WE JUST CAN'T SAY ANYTHING OR ELSE SILENT CIVILITY WILL ERUPT INTO LOUD DISAGREEMENT, MAINLY BECAUSE I FIND HIS PRESENCE IRRITATING.

\- KARKAT VANTAS


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I'm not taking this in an out-of-character direction. Am I? What do you think? I really need feedback on this before I make three more entries like this. Would Karkat do this?

-DAY 140-

COURTSHIP(?) OBSERVATION WEEK ONE:

IS MAKING SHITTY ART TOGETHER A HUMAN ROMANTIC PRACTICE? BECAUSE THAT IS ALL THEY DO. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO HAND HOLDING OR KISSING. JUST FLIRTING. FLIRTING AT AN ALARMING RATE. 

I FIND DAVE INCREDIBLY HARD TO READ. HE ISN'T EXACTLY A BOILING KETTLE OF EMOTIONS. MUCH OF EVERY SUBTLE TWITCH OF HIS FACE IS HIDDEN BY THOSE IDIOTIC SUN GLASSES. IN MY EXPERIENCE, ONLY ENORMOUS DOUCHEBAGS WEAR FUCKING SHADES INDOORS FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER. I SUPPOSE THAT CORRESPONDS TO HIS TRUE NATURE.

-KARKAT VANTAS


	27. Chapter 27

-DAY 147-

COURTSHIP(?) OBSERVATION WEEK TWO:

THEY DON'T SUSPECT ANYTHING. I JUST SIT IN A CORNER IN A HUMAN BEAN CHAIR AND PRETEND TO READ. BUT I AM FOREVER DILIGENT OF SLOPPY TROLL/HUMAN MAKEOUTS, OF WHICH THERE HAVE BEEN NO SIGN OF. 

DOUBT GROWS. PERHAPS THIS IS PLATONIC? HAVE I FAILED TO IDENTIFY A MATESPRITSHIP THROUGH THE SUBTLE HINTS THAT ARE NOT UNLIKE SHOWS THAT PLACE LITTLE TO NO EMPHASIS ON RELATIONSHIPS? I MUST BE LOSING MY TOUCH OR I NEVER HAD IT IN THE FIRST DAMN PLACE.

\- KARKAT VANTAS


	28. Chapter 28

-DAY 154-

COURTSHIP(?) OBSERVATION WEEK THREE:

I HAVE DISCOVERED NOTHING AND IT'S NOT LIKE THEY'RE TOGETHER ALL THE TIME OR ALONE. THE MAYOR USUALLY ACCOMPANIES THEM AND STACKS CANS AND SHIT, BEING A FORCE OF INNOCUOUS CUTENESS. ROSE CHASTISED HIM FOR GNAWING ON BOOKS FROM THE LIBRARY. HE HASN'T DONE IT SINCE. 

IT'S THE SAME OLD KIDDIE PLAYTIME SHIT ALL DAY EVERY DAY. BUT THERE IS SOMETHING THERE, I AM SURE OF IT. I'M SO OUT OF THE LOOP, WHO THE FUCK KNOWS IF THEY MADE SOME KIND OF ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT THEIR UNDYING LOVE FOR EACH OTHER. 

\- KARKAT VANTAS


	29. Chapter 29

-DAY 161-

COURTSHIP OBSERVATION WEEK FOUR:

STRIDER NOTICED MY DEVIATION FROM MY USUAL BEHAVIOR AND ASKED WHY I WASN'T IN MY ROOM AND WHY I KEPT HANGING AROUND "CAN TOWN". SO I SAID "WHY CAN'T I READ A FUCKING BOOK OUT IN THE OPEN?" 

THEN HE CALLED ME A CREEP AND ACCUSED ME OF WATCHING HIM AND TEREZI OUT OF PARANOIA AND STATED THERE WAS NOTHING GOING ON BETWEEN THEM.

FUCK THAT SHIT. I *KNOW* NOW. IF IT'S NOT HAPPENING CURRENTLY, A MATESPRITSHIP IS INEVITABLE. IT'S INEVITABLE BECAUSE THEY HAVE UNDENIABLE CHEMISTRY AND I CAN'T DIRECTLY INTERFERE, IT MIGHT RUIN ANY CHANCE I HAVE WITH HER. SABOTAGE IS NOT MY GAME. MAYBE I CAN FIND ANOTHER WAY TO GET INTO HER RED QUADRANT ONE DAY? 

WHATEVER. I'M DONE WITH THIS FOR NOW. I HAVE MY OWN RELATIONSHIP TO TEND TO AND I HAVE BEEN NEGLECTING IT.

-KARKAT VANTAS


	30. Chapter 30

-DAY 168- 

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT MY LIFESPAN. TROLLS HAVE LIFESPANS ACCORDING TO THEIR CASTE, THE HIGHER THE COLOR, THE LONGER THEY LIVE. I REALISED I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH TIME I HAVE. THE LOOMING, TICKING CLOCK HAUNTED MANY MEMBERS OF MY SPECIES BECAUSE WE KNOW EXACTLY WHEN OUR HEARTS ARE GOING TO STOP BEATING AND IT CAN ONLY GET CUT SHORT. IT SMACKS OF ARTIFICIALITY AND GENETIC TAMPERING AS WELL SO IT STRIKES ME AS UNFAIR.

THE RUSTBLOODS ONLY LIVE A DOZEN SWEEPS OR SO. I'M LOWER THAN THAT, SO I MIGHT HAVE AN EVEN SHORTER LIFE. OR MAYBE I'LL JUST HAVE SOME RANDOMASS TIME TO LIVE LIKE HUMANS DO, BETWEEN SIXTY TO ONE HUNDRED YEARS OR TWENTY FOUR OR FIFTY SWEEPS. 

ANOTHER JUGGALO VISITATION HAS OCCURED. WHY DO I ALWAYS RECORD THEM? BECAUSE THEY'RE ENJOYABLE, YET NOTABLE IN THEIR RARITY. GAMZEE IS PRETTY MUCH THE ONLY COMPANY I GET DOWN HERE. I STARTED RANTING ABOUT SOMETHING IN A MOVIE WE WERE WATCHING AND HE SAID I SHOULD "GET MY CHILL DEEP BREATHING ON" AND TRY TO CENTER MYSELF. LIKE THE CLOWN EVER GIVES GOOD ADVICE. I'LL TRY IT ANYWAY. 

\- KARKAT VANTAS


	31. Chapter 31

-DAY 175-

ALRIGHT, I SHOULD PROBABLY LET THIS OUT NOW. IT'S GETTING ANNOYING AND PAINFUL. I ALWAYS WAKE UP PANICKED AND TEARFUL ONLY TO DISCOVER I'M SAFE IN MY BLOCK. THEN I GET UP AND WANDER AIMLESSLY LIKE A FUCKING FLESH GUZZLING UNDEAD.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A DREAM THAT KEPT HAPPENING? IT'S SIMPLE, IT'S REPETITIVE, AND OFTEN OCCURS JUST WHEN I'M STARTING TO DRIFT OFF. I'M ALONE AND COVERED IN MY OWN BLOOD AND THERE IS THIS BRIGHT LIGHT. I CAN'T SEE AND I'M SUFFOCATING.

THEN I HAVE THIS ONE WHERE SOMEONE IS BEATING ME OVER THE HEAD. I LOOK UP AND I SEE THAT IT'S GAMZEE, THEN EVERYTHING GOES DARK. THIS ONE IS ESPECIALLY DISTURBING. I'M CONCERNED ABOUT WHY THIS ONE HAPPENS FREQUENTLY. MAYBE IT'S THE STRESS OF KNOWING IF I WASN'T HERE, HE WOULD SNAP AGAIN OR IF SOMETHING HAPPENED TO *US*, SAME THING. THE CAUSE OR RESULT OF THIS DREAM IS ALWAYS A MASSIVE HEADACHE.

I HAD AT LEAST ONE DREAM WHEN I'M LOST ON ALTERNIA AND MY LUSUS CAN'T FIND ME, EVEN THOUGH I CAN SEE HIM. 

THE WORST ONE WAS THAT I WAS ALONE IN A ROOM FULL OF BODIES. EVERYONE I KNOW IS DEAD, ARRANGED IN A CIRCLE AROUND ME. I KNOW I DIDN'T KILL THEM, BUT THEIR BLOOD SOAKS ME. I TRY TO FIND MY WAY OUT, BUT I'M TRAPPED. THERE ARE NO DOORS OR ANYTHING. 

WHY CAN'T I JUST VISIT THE DREAM BUBBLES WHEN I SLEEP? THE VISITS ARE RARER THAN I WOULD LIKE, WE'RE MORE LIKELY TO ENCOUNTER THEM WHEN WE'RE AWAKE AND PHYSICALLY PASSING THROUGH THEM. THEY'RE NOT MUCH BETTER THAN THESE DREAMS, BUT AT LEAST I DON'T WAKE UP IN TERROR.

-KARKAT VANTAS


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The entry previous to this one is still a work in progress! It involved a Meteor Crew photography session and it will have an illustration. It might take me weeks to finish it because it's at the bottom of my priority list right now. Expect to see it around... I don't know. Because this fic rapidly updates because the entries are kind of short, I didn't want to hold it up because there is stuff I want to write and share with readers. 
> 
> Or it might not get done. :U I don't know.

-DAY 189-

I'M BEGINNING TO REGRET EVER LEAVING MY RESPITE BLOCK. 

LALONDE WANTS TO PUT ME IN THERAPY. AM I READY TO POUR MY HEART OUT TO A NEAR STRANGER? IS SHE SINCERE ABOUT THIS?

I NOTICED SHE'S VERY SARCASTIC. HELL, SO AM I. SHE BETTER WATCH IT WHILE I'M ON THE FUCKING COUCH AND SHE'S SCRIBBLING IN THAT NOTEBOOK. 

I DON'T THINK ROSE EVEN WANTS TO HELP ME, IT'S EITHER A PERSONAL LEARNING EXPERIENCE AND I'M HER DAMN LAB RAT OR IT'S HER WAY OF TEASING ME, LIKE SHE DOES WITH DAVE.

KANAYA IS PRESSURING ME TO DO IT, LULLING ME INTO A SENSE OF SECURITY. SHE THINKS THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME. MAYBE THERE IS AND I HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT.

WHAT IF IT'S WORTH A SHOT? IT'S WHAT HUMANS DO WHEN THEY FEEL LIKE SHIT. WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY THERAPISTS ON ALTERNIA. MAYBE THAT'S WHY TROLLS WERE SO SHITHIVE MAGGOTS. 

\- KARKAT VANTAS


	34. Chapter 34

-DAY 196-

I TRIED TO CONTACT JOHN AND JADE FOR THE FIRST TIME TODAY. I CAN'T REACH THEM, NOTHING IS GOING THROUGH. WHERE EXACTLY IS THE BATTLESHIP ANYWAY? I KNOW IT'S FLYING BETWEEN TWO PORTALS SET UP TO OPEN IN THE NEW SESSION.

TO MY DISMAY, I FOUND THAT I CANNOT ALCHEMIZE SOPOR. I LACK THE INGREDIENTS TO DO IT, JUST SHORT OF A DROP OF AMBER. MY RECOUPRACOON IS NOW CLEAN, BUT THE ONLY REASON WHY I KEEP SLEEPING IN IT IS BECAUSE IT'S WARM AND IT FEELS SAFE. KANAYA MADE A SNUGGLE PLANE FOR ME SOME TIME AGO, I GUESS I'LL START USING IT.

\- KARKAT VANTAS


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is linked to another fic I wrote-
> 
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/1031347
> 
> Please read that one as well! Karkat won't always tell the truth in his journal or he'll omit something he doesn't want to remember. There are some white lies and exaggerations in this fic already. I might write other fics like that in the future if I feel they are necessary.

-DAY 203-

I BEGAN THE HUMAN PRACTICE OF THERAPY TODAY. IT WASN'T WHAT I EXPECTED. WE SPOKE BRIEFLY, I THINK SHE WAS JUST GIVING ME A TASTE OF WHAT WAS TO COME. MAYBE IT WILL HELP ME? THIS MIGHT BE EVEN BETTER THAN TALKING TO GAMZEE BECAUSE ROSE HAS THE INTENT TO TREAT ME, SOMEHOW.

SHE WENT THROUGH THE TROUBLE OF ALCHEMIZING NEW FURNITURE AND ARRANGING IT IN A PARTICULAR WAY. I FIND THAT ABSURD AND I THINK THE REASON SHE DID IT IS OUT OF DATE AND SHE DID IT IRONICALLY.

I'M TIRED OF BEING TWISTED UP AND SAD. I DON'T FEEL LIKE MYSELF ANYMORE. I WAS RARELY HAPPY IN THE FIRST DAMN PLACE, SO MAYBE SOMETHING IN MY BRAIN HAS BEEN BROKEN SINCE THE BEGINNING OF MY EXISTENCE. I'M SAFE ON THE METEOR. NO SESSION, NO CULLING. I CAN LET MY GUARD DOWN AND ASK FOR HELP, EVEN IF LALONDE IS NEARLY A STRANGER AND I CAN'T SAY I TRUST HER.

I'M STARTING TO FALL ASLEEP WHEREVER I SIT. I DON'T FEEL AS TENSE AS I DID WEEKS AGO. JUST... WORN OUT.

\- KARKAT VANTAS


	36. Chapter 36

-DAY 210-

HOW CONVENIENT. MY THERAPY SESSIONS ARE ON THE SAME DAY OF THE WEEK I SET ASIDE FOR WRITING, THE HUMAN "MONDAY". FOR THE RECORD, I AM USING EARTH MEASUREMENTS OF TIME BECAUSE IT IS MORE DETAILED AND THE NUMBER THAT WILL APPEAR AT THE END OF THIS DIARY WILL BE LARGER, A MORE FITTING TESTAMENT TO THE UNBEARABLY LONG LENGTH OF TIME WE SPENT HERE.

ALRIGHT, THIS IS WHAT WENT DOWN TODAY. LALONDE WAS KIND ENOUGH TO SERVE TEA. TOO BAD I WASTED MOST OF IT DURING A SPAZZTASTIC CONNIPTION. SHE THINKS I'M A LUNATIC. WHO AM I KIDDING, I AM A FUCKING LUNATIC. CONSTANTLY FLIPPING MY SHIT LIKE A GREASE CHEF FLIPS GRUB PATTIES. I SEE HER JUDGING ME. IT'S UNCOMFORTABLE. I THINK SHE'S JUST DOING THIS THERAPY THING FOR KICKS. EVEN SO, ALTHOUGH I'M UNSURE IF IT'S BECAUSE I'M SLEEPING MORE OFTEN, I FEEL A LITTLE BETTER.

ROSE SAID I MIGHT HAVE DEPRESSION... I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT. I REMEMBER SOLLUX'S LOWEST LOW POINTS IN HIS BIPOLAR MOOD SWINGS. THIS ONE TIME, AFTER WE PISSED EACH OTHER OFF AS USUAL, HE TOLD ME HE WANTED TO KILL HIMSELF. GOD, I WAS SUCH AN ASSHOLE. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT I SAID TO HIM. IT WAS WRONG AND I'M GLAD HE DIDN'T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY. WE NEVER DID TAKE EACH OTHER SERIOUSLY, WE BOTH KNEW OUR EXCHANGES WERE BULLSHIT. 

ANYWAY, POINT IS, ISN'T PART OF BEING DEPRESSED BEING SUICIDAL? I DON'T WANT TO KILL MYSELF. UM... DOES NOT WANTING TO EXIST COUNT? WHAT IF EVERYONE FORGOT ABOUT ME? THEY WOULD BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME. ALL I EVER DID WAS FUCK EVERYTHING UP FOR THEM. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY ANYONE WOULD LIKE ME IN THE FIRST DAMN PLACE. DO THEY LIKE ME? DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME? IF A SHIT HAS BEEN GIVEN, I WILL FIND IT AND GAWK IN DISBELIEF.

SHE ALSO INSTRUCTED ME TO WRITE DOWN STUFF I LIKE ABOUT MYSELF. I HAVE NOT MADE ANY PROGRESS ON THAT AT ALL, BUT I WILL TRY.

THE HUMANS CELEBRATED A HOLIDAY KNOWN AS "THANKSGIVING". IT'S WHEN YOU SIT AROUND A TABLE AND EAT UNTIL YOUR DIGESTIVE SACS ARE ABOUT TO BURST IN CELEBRATION OF ONE'S PAST FORTUNES. GLUTTONY, FUCKING AROUND WITH ALCHIMITERS, AND STANDING OVER A HOT STOVE IN A NOISY MEAL PREPARATORY BLOCK ALL DAY DOESN'T SOUND LIKE FUN TO ME, SO I DIDN'T PARTICIPATE. SOMEONE LEFT A FULL NUTRITION PLATEAU FOR ME AND I WILL ADMIT EARTH FOOD IS REALLY GOOD. IT'S SIMILAR TO ALTERNIAN FARE, ONLY MORE OMNIVOROUS. ONE OF US MANAGED TO PROCURE GRUB LOAF AND OTHER FAMILIAR DISHES.

\- KARKAT VANTAS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know you don't have to want to kill yourself to be depressed, but depression can lead to suicidal feelings. Karkat is just being kind of dumb and stubborn and avoiding his problems through denial.


	37. Chapter 37

-DAY 217-

I HAD MY THIRD APPOINTMENT WITH LALONDE TODAY. AS AN IMPROVEMENT, IT WAS A SMALL PLEASURE. ROSE IS NOT EASY TO TALK TO BUT SHE HAS HER WAYS OF MOTIVATING ONE TO REGURGITATE THEIR THOUGHTS. I RETAIN MY MIXED THOUGHTS ABOUT THERAPY.

BLUSHING THROUGH SCANDALOUS SUBCONSCIOUS IMAGERY AND FRIENDLY TEASING, WE REVIEWED A DREAM OR TWO. I LEARNED SHIT I ALREADY KNEW. SHE CLAIMS SHE KNOWS HOW TO HELP ME. AT LEAST I THINK SHE'S HELPING THROUGH HER FUDDLED, HALF-ASSED PSYCHOTHERAPY CRAP AND I DO HAVE SHIT TO GET OFF MY CHEST. I SHOULD BE TELLING IT TO GAMZEE BUT I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM IN ALMOST A WEEK.

THAT BITCH ACTS LIKE SHE KNOWS ME, WITH THIS THIS "Your mind is not like that", "I know how you feel", "Your friends like you" FUCKERY. I'M ALMOST GRATEFUL FOR IT, THOUGH. OPEN EARS AND PRETEND EMPATHY IS A GOOD SUBSTITUTE FOR A MISSING MOIRAIL.

KANAYA LOCATED MY RESPITE BLOCK AND DID ROSE'S BIDDING. SEEING HER AND TALKING TO HER WAS VERY REFRESHING. WE DON'T TALK ENOUGH ANYMORE AND I MISSED HER. ALTHOUGH, WE DIDN'T TALK SO MUCH AS SIT ON THE FLOOR TOGETHER WHILE I ENSHROUDED MYSELF IN A SNUGGLE PLANE AND PRETENDED TO READ. KANAYA DID THE TALKING.

I TRUST HER. SHE IS A GOOD FRIEND, SO I'LL TAKE HER WORD THAT SHE FORGIVES ME FOR MY MISTAKES EVEN IF I CAN NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF. SHE WENT ON ABOUT HOW I NEED TO SEE MYSELF IN A BETTER LIGHT AND THAT I'M NOT HORRIBLE AND THAT SHE LOVES ME PLATONICALLY, BUT NOT IN *THAT* WAY AND SHE WANTS TO SEE ME BE WELL AND HAPPY.

RIGHT NOW, I THINK ALL OF THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE BUT I APPRECIATE HER WORDS.

\- KARKAT VANTAS


End file.
